Breaking Point.

I finally had a breaking point. In front of people, at church, of all places. As soon as I heard the words “She tried everything in her own will, every doctor, etc.” that is when I was fighting back tears. I decided that I would push back the tears enough to get into my car and let it all out there. But, that didn’t happen. The tears just kept coming. All of a sudden I felt people surrounding me.

To be honest, I am not even sure what I was thinking or feeling in that moment except the feeling of letting go. For the last few years I had put on such a tough face when it came to my infertility. I opened up about it more and more as the days got more difficult. However, I still always had the “but it’s ok” attitude. This outlook got me through some of my toughest days which I am grateful for, but I think I needed to let it out as well. While going through fertility treatments, I did have a couple times where I was air sucking, snot flying tears rolling down my face but it was in a frustration kind of emotion. The thoughts that were going through my mind were more like why is this happening again? And, “I don’t want to keep going through this pain.” But this time was different. In this moment, I did not have any selfish thoughts or feelings. Everything was letting go. I was letting go of the control that I never had. I was letting go of the pain that I feel everyday. It was a time for reconciliation. And after that, is a time for healing. As far as I was concerned, I thought quitting my job and working with puppies was a way of healing. But was it? Or was it just a different thing to channel my energy on? It was fun, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think I ever sorted through my emotions but instead just pushed them away. And harboring feelings doesn’t mean they ever went away to begin with. So now what? Well, now I heal myself. Sometimes fully letting go is the only way God can come in and do what he planned on doing. You have to fully allow yourself to understand that you are not in control, not just say it, but believe it. And you have to know that sometimes you need to be completely broken to be fully fixed.

And for now,

Xoxo