What's Next: Eleven.

I was instructed to discontinue my injections. They were not fully clear what was going to happen after that, although I guess we could all assume. Said something about 7 to 10 days. I don’t know if it wasn’t going to happen until then, or if it would take that long to pass. I really have no idea what’s going on. They didn’t give me a prescription for pain and I have no idea what to expect. I have Endometriosis and the pain I experience monthly from my periods has led me to become an expert in pain management. So I am definitely fully prepared for the pain aspect. I have cleared my schedule for the next….well um 7-10 days because I really don’t know when this will give way. It is such a strange situation. In a natural miscarriage, it just happens. This is delayed and almost planned. It’s weird. I am just sitting around waiting for turmoil. Through hard times, we always learn things about ourselves. In this past week, as I battled time and emotions, I had a realization that I may be the strongest person I know. And I don’t mean that in a coincided way. I know people go through hard times. But, man, the amount of mental strength that it takes to overcome the IVF journey I’ve been through. Really, it’s book worthy; thrilling, but when it’s actually your life? Kind of mind blowing and such a testament really. I am so realistic and I think that’s what keeps me centered. This embryo never had a heartbeat. Basically, it implanted successfully, and must have grown a bit, enough to produce high amounts of hcg, but then for whatever reason it stopped. Our embryos are graded by the clinic, however, the grading is by visual only, it has nothing to do with genetics. They look at it and determine its grade by the qualities it has. We had 5 embryos that were graded 4A (6A is the highest possible) and then 2 sets of twins that are B grades. They are “twins” only because they put them in the same dish to save space with the intention that I wouldn’t get to them. If thawed, they would become individuals. When we very first started this journey with the other clinic, we originally set out with the intention to have all our embryos genetically tested. Well, they messed up and froze them before they could test them. Yeah, that’s a big oops. So, we didn’t have them tested and we took the first in line, and it worked out for us. However, now after taking the second in line this time around, and learning that the visual scale is basically invalid, I am second guessing everything. I am really curious to know what the others are like. I reached out to our clinic to get more information. They do it right there and the process only takes a few weeks so I think we will have that done. I would really like to know just from a factual standpoint what these all entail. And just sitting around waiting for this miscarriage again is putting me in such a vulnerable state. Yet somehow, like this flower, I continue to grow in the most unconventional elements.

And for now,

Xoxo