What's Next: Ten

The whole time I was on vacation I was miserable. For several reasons. The flight out there, I couldn’t stop puking. I felt nauseous all day, morning until evening. The HCG was still present in my body. I had to bring my injections along and did them wherever I needed to; in the airport bathroom, hotel room, McDonald’s bathroom, the airport bathroom again. I was so committed to this process, even though this process hasn’t been very generous to me. A couple days in, I was still feeling 50/50 whether it had progressed or not. Having so much morning sickness I was thinking was probably a good sign, even though wow I was just so sick. I had no desire to eat anything; nothing sounded appetizing. To clarify, the injections I was taking were hormones that my body did not create because of the IVF process. So, the injections basically were maintaining that strong lining therefore, I wouldn’t know if the embryo was no longer progressing. In a typical situation, your body would start bleeding and then you would know you were having a miscarriage. So for me, there was no indicator because as I continued the injections, I just kept building that lining. I had a moment while we were on vacation that was kind of the turning point for me. We had done a riverboat cruise late at night so my injection was going to be later that night. As we were walking home, I felt some pretty intense cramping. I felt like everything was just going to all come out right then and there. It was in that moment that I realized the injections were delaying a miscarriage (if that’s what it was) and I then went from 50/50 to 80/20. 80% convinced it was a loss. It was a gut feeling. I just knew it. A part of me tried to tell myself that maybe my gut was wrong, and afterall, I am still trying my best to have fun on vacation even though this is weighing on my mind. To make matters worse, I miscalculated one of my injections and did not pack enough. Thank goodness, I noticed it early enough and messaged my doctor. Of course, nothing is that easy. I had to go to 2 different Walgreens in New Orleans to get it. Talk about determination and for what? At this point, I was pretty convinced it was all for nothing anyways. We got back from vacation and had our follow up ultrasound the next day and it was confirmed. The screen was empty, as it was before. The room fell silent.

And for now,

Xoxo