Live Organically: One.

We don’t choose grief. Grief chooses us. When I was young and dumb, I used to think that people chose to remember. When it was the anniversary of a loved one’s death, I thought they were just over exaggerating another day to be sad. But, now that I carry my own grief, I know, I don’t choose it. I don’t “dwell” on anything, in fact, I always try to be present in the moment and if you know me, I am always quite bubbly. However, in a haunting flash, it robs me, even in a moment of happiness. It comes like a thief in the night, stealing my joy and immediately sinking me low into the ocean where I struggle to breathe. I could not even look at the calendar and my heart starts thumping extra hard as each day gets closer to that jarring date. When I close my eyes at night, moments of that day replay in my head and I so desperately try to shake them off. Once that day had passed, the countdown began again until the next date. 10 days later was when my father in law passed away and as the days tick by, I close my eyes and just try to make it through. Grief is the culprit of why I drive a different route. Literally and metaphorically. After Trooper passed away, we switched Vet clinics and I stopped driving that route. My actions and decisions are now driven by the grief I hold within myself. It can be a positive thing, however. I now have such an appreciation for life that really only ones that have lost a true love can understand. And, as each new trial comes my way, I’m not really phased. Why? Because I’ve been through worse. The punches get stronger, but I can hold my own. I don’t spend my time and energy on things that don’t matter. Both Trooper and Terry would just want me to live a happy life. So, instead, I go day by day like the wind rolling on the ocean waves. Sometimes it is chaotic, but it is organic. After all, we are supposed to live life arn’t we?

And for now,

Xoxo