I don't really want to talk about this.

I don’t really want to talk about this. But I am going to be brave and talk about it. Ever since I was 13, I have had some mild bumps here and there. They were almost like zits but bigger and more severe. They would drain and then scar. I went to several different dermatologists and was diagnosed with something different each time. They each suggested different remedies each time but nothing ever made them go away for good. It was pretty mild and I never really knew what it was. It wasn’t until recently when I was 32 weeks pregnant, I had it progress to my armpits. They were deep nodules under the skin. They were incredibly painful, almost felt like marbles. I had one large one that did come to the surface, drain, scar and repeat the process over and over again for months. It was happening in both of my armpits. I thought that it was some crazy spike with hormones and hoped that it would go back down after the birth. Well, unfortunately this didn’t happen. It’s a constant battle; sometimes open wounds. Some constantly “weeping”. And yet, some were still hard under the surface and unable to budge. Some of them began to “tunnel” (connect to each other) under the skin. One of them even stayed as a legit hole. It boggles my mind how many different variations there are of one disease, and all on the same body. I tried everything; every topical imaginable. I severely cut out sugar knowing that it was inflammation related. I had figured out it was called “Hidradenitis Suppurativa.” Now, I will warn you, when you google it, it’s bad. And it is. But, it’s different for everyone. Some people have more severe cases than others. It’s an incurable, autoimmune disorder. It’s not from lack of hygiene. It can “flare up” but it can also go into remission. The “flare ups” can be never ending. You could get a couple and then once they resolve more appear. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s all incredibly painful. Depending on where the bumps/boils are, they can be very inhibiting. It’s very difficult to lift my arms up or do daily activities because of how hard they are in my armpits. Also, the scar tissue becomes hard and limits mobility. I joined a support group on Facebook and it has been such a great outlet. I am constantly on there reading about what other people are going through or just trying to find some advice as to what to do myself. I have heard that it is genetic, so I am wondering, if any of my family members have it and are reading this, please privately message me. No one in my immediate family has it. It is possible that it isn’t genetic but I am still curious. This isn’t something people want to talk about. It’s embarrassing. It’s not general information people want to willingly give up. Aside from it being incredibly painful, the scars are just as jarring. I am so self conscious that I can’t wear tank tops because the scars are visible. Now, I know many people would say they wouldn’t notice, or it’s not that big of a deal. But it is. And it is noticeable. I know no one is perfect, man am I realizing that everyday. More and more with age and experiences, I see that we all have problems. My “HS” has gotten so bad that I finally went to a dermatologist again after several years. I had read in my groups that people were becoming more aware of this disease and were finally getting the medical attention they needed. I was desperate for some professional relief so I went. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear a doctor tell me I have an incurable disease. I think I was relieved more than anything. Just relieved to know that it was finally acknowledged. I was prescribed a topical and that has been “helping” kind of. It’s helping the immediate inflammation and it’s helping keep them at bay. My hope is that I can bring it back into remission. My doctor said that that goal isn’t unreasonable so that makes me feel a little better. It’s a battle that I fight daily but somehow I still remain focused and determined to not let it dictate my life.

And for now,

Xoxo