I live in survival mode.

I have come to the realization that over the last few years I am a survivor. I have this strong willed, determined, I will get it done mentality. I refuse to let any hindrance dictate my life. This is one of my main characteristics, you all know this. But where did that come from? Was I born with it or was it acquired through the challenges in my life? When I was in elementary school, I struggled with depression. I was a chubby, ugly kid and most people thought I was “weird.” I didn’t have friends because frankly I thought everyone was stupid and I let them know it. I didn’t have a support system, mental illness seemed to be shied away from and passed off as just a kid being dramatic so I resorted to inflicting self bodily harm. I didn’t want to die per say, I just didn’t really want to live. Somehow I snapped out of it (God was watching over me). I entered 7th grade and had a boyfriend (crazy, I know) and sifted into a different phase in life. Fast forward to college and I had a couple rough patches here and there. I was going through a time where I just felt lost. I resorted to a mild form of overdosing; self harm (God was watching over me). After that once incident, I somehow again snapped out of that and moved on with my life. After much maturing over the years and establishing my own self worth and true confidence, I decided that these moments in my life were pivotal. Without really realizing it, I have been looking back at those situations and they constantly drive me forward. I decided that I would never allow anything to dictate my life again and that I would live a healthier lifestyle. And that's what I do. That's where that crazy determination and unwilling to live in hard times comes from. I don’t speak out about these situations because they are a dark part of me. But now after putting these realizations together, I've decided it's ok to speak out about it because it's molded me to who I am. It's not who I am now. It's who I was. I have recently been through even tougher times and it's those moments that have showed me how I handle situations a lot differently now. I went through unsuccessful fertility treatments and I did notice that during these times, Endometriosis was starting to attempt to dictate my life and I refused to let that happen. I then went on to do 8 months of grueling IVF, but as challenging as this was, I didn’t once let it get the best of me. The hard times in my life had prepped me for one of the most difficult ones yet to come which was IVF. Believe it or not, I actually had tremendous peace throughout this process (God was watching over me). Now, I am struggling with my own physical health. I was feeling discouraged coming off of some rough times (pregnancy and birth) but my survival mode/not going to feel sorry for myself quickly kicked in. I am a very realistic person. Probably 90% realistic, 10% dreamer if that. The realistic part is that when you are going through a tough time, feeling sorry for yourself does nothing except waste time. You are in that situation and if you don’t want to be, then find a way to get out. If someone tells you no, go find the person that will tell you yes. So that’s exactly why I’ve been exercising daily, sometimes even twice a day. I have lost 21 pounds in the last 4 months. I also did a gut cleanse which has proven to be extremely helpful, life changing in fact. I feel lighter; not bogged down and have more energy. I had a lot of toxins that needed to be released. I think we all have some toxins in our bodies that need to be released. If you want more information on the cleanse I did, let me know. This isn’t some affiliation where I get paid. This cleanse just really helped me personally. I think it’s important to take those steps forward. I not only do it for myself, but I do it for Mason.

And for now,

Xoxo