IVF Series: 4

March 2020

I was given my timeline which was extremely intimidating to look at. I put it up on my fridge at home like a good report card; a sign that this was actually happening! I started taking a birth control to quiet everything. However, nothing stayed quiet. With the roaring of the Coronavirus in the background I began to worry. Have you ever wanted something so bad that you just wanted the days to go by to hurry up and get to that special day? That is how I felt for about 2 weeks. The Coronavirus continued to spread and my anxiety continued to rise. The unknown of the world was becoming a harsh scary reality. A part of me just knew I was not going to make it to the next phase. I was scheduled for my appointment to go in and to start my stimulation phase. The days were approaching fast but so was the virus. I just needed to make it to Thursday. I just wanted to start. But on that Monday, only 3 days shy of my appointment date, I was given the news. My IVF cycle was being canceled due to the Coronavirus. They wanted me to continue taking birth control to keep my body calm, however, I would not be moving on to the next phase. My heart completely shattered. I laid in bed, staring at the wall. This journey has caused immense pain for me and the joy of the IVF was keeping me afloat. Now, with this news, I am numb. I can't stop crying. I have cried so much I just want to go to sleep and wake up as if this was a horrible dream. It’s not like it will never get better, or I will never be able to do IVF, well, I don’t know. Nobody knows how long this suspension will last. At this point, no one has answers and frankly no one can be comforted. So many thoughts run through my mind. I feel stupid, embarrassed, I know it’s not my fault, but I feel like somehow it is. Setback after setback I feel like maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing. What exactly am I supposed to be doing? Am I just meant to not have kids? These are the questions that circulate through my mind day after day as I am forced to stay in my house for an unknown period of time as the world seems to be getting darker and darker around me.

And for now,

Xoxo