Life After IVF: 6

Covid really messes with us. It forces us to be firm in our views and beliefs and act on them. It forces us to make decisions in the moment when normally we would wait a few days and see how it goes. It’s screwing with our plans for everyday life and plans for the future. The future becomes a world of unknowns and questions on some of the most secure things that we once so heavily relied on. It messes with our minds; our overall well being. We have now been in this state of chaos for 8 months, which is starting to feel permanent. Coping mechanisms don’t seem to be a solution because the problem is still right in our faces. We can try to escape the thoughts and precautions, but that escape is only temporary before it is staring at us once again. We can try to find positives in this world of harsh reality. I feel like I was doing pretty good. Until I set my emotions aside and looked into the facts. Even though there isn’t as much research as we would like on this terrible virus, we do have some facts. I have been doing a really good job of maintaining healthy habits and low exposures. My work is only To Go’s so I wasn’t seeing that many customers. I knew that I was at the mercy of my fellow employees but I didn’t realize the severity of it. Until one day. The virus rolled in like a thief in the night; sweeping away person after person. I try to keep my distance, go to work and stay in my secluded area. But how safe am I? Is it only a matter of time before it comes for me and my unborn child? That is not a risk I want to take. With a heavy heart, I put in my notice at work. I wanted to give the usual 2 week notice, and I tried, but then I quickly realized that I might not have 2 weeks to give. Our schedules are weekly at this point, changing daily even. With the virus striking back, I had to get out of there. I was no longer safe. No one is mad or upset, in fact, it is almost grim. It’s as if they want me gone. They all walk around knowing that their day may come but there is nothing they can do about it. They just want me out of there and safe. I have always loved my work; it gives me purpose. This is four months sooner than I had wanted to leave. Everyone has been affected by the virus in some way. I have been at it's mercy for quite a few months now. The only thing secure in my life is God. I cling to him ever so strongly knowing that he will protect my family; protect my baby. I have been praising him in the positive times as well. Every step in IVF has been through prayer. And every happy moment has been given back to him in thankfulness and gratitude. But now, being back into the unknown moments and uncertainty of life, I cling to him in prayer again. It's actually pretty easy. You don't have to be all "christian" and "stuff" to do it. Just try it. It's like talking to a friend. And the more you do it, the more comfortable you become. And the more you know that he actually cares too. Now, I have to transition into a different full time “job” that I will have. I struggle because I don’t know what it will be like. Am I qualified? Do I meet the requirements? I’ve never had the title of “Mom.” And really, what am I going to do the next four months?

And for now,

Xoxo