Life After IVF: 22

Was it the pregnancy hormones? Or was it the soft instrumental music playing in the background? Or was it some lingering hurt from the past? It was probably a typhoon of everything that caused an emotional breakdown. I was upstairs in the nursery, folding crib sheets of all things. It wasn’t even the cute little baby clothes or soft little blankets that triggered me. It was the crib sheets. Tears started flowing down my cheeks rapidly before I could even realize I was crying. There wasn’t much leading up to this moment of sobbing. I had just received some blue crib sheets as a baby shower gift and I wanted to make sure they fit before I washed them. The nursery was first set up back in June when I was going through the retrieval process. Maybe I became too accustomed to the nursery that it almost just looked like a staged room with it being only gray and white. I have been reading my pregnancy books up there because it is a very peaceful room. Sometimes I can imagine a baby up there, but sometimes it still just doesn’t seem real. I mean, I am well aware it’s happening. The baby is constantly moving and being active; in fact, much more than the average baby. So that part of me knows he is coming, but I think it’s the emotional part that still lingers a bit. I sat kneeling on the floor of the nursery and sobbed and sobbed. “I’ve been in so much pain.” “It’s been so hard.” These are the thoughts that just kept playing over and over in my mind. I was finally letting it out. I was expelling all the past hurt and pain I had from infertility. The massive weight that it has carried on me for so long. As I sat there, I continued to cry for my friends who still struggle with infertility. My friends who don’t have their happy ending to look forward to; no light at the end of the tunnel. They still have the darkness hovering over them and are forced to figure out how to manage it every single day. That’s why I initially started this blog. I needed an outlet and thought there had to be more options than holding it in or going to therapy. I knew other people felt this way as well but no one talked about it. I was going to make that change. Other people can still choose not to talk about it, but I wasn’t going to let it hold me back any longer. And sometimes all you need is one person to step up and stick their neck out. There are so many intricate levels to the conversations around infertility and a lot of people who don’t struggle with it do not know how to handle it. What do you say to someone like that? But, that’s exactly the mindset that creates the problem. The best thing you can do for someone you know is struggling is be normal. Don’t tip toe on eggshells around that person, it makes it worse. Don’t try to muster up some kind of way you can relate or mention someone you know that can relate. That’s what our natural instinct is to do because we think that helps. But it doesn’t. You don’t need to have a similar experience to know someone is hurting. Also, people tend to be so quick to offer advice in a situation that may not even be relevant. You don’t need to give advice to be a good listener. Everyone is hurting differently, processing differently and has very different situations. Just be a friend. Don’t be scared of the topic; in fact, don’t even get your mind set on the topic. Just be there. Just as if a friend is going through a hard time that you do understand; just be there. It’s that simple, but it makes a life lasting impact.

And for now,

Xoxo