Life After IVF: 23

Days are passing by and somehow the weeks are too. But I feel like time has decided to stand still. I am feeling very discouraged. Every day is some kind of intense pain that I battle. Most of these pains I haven’t had before so for me they all seem terrible. At this point, I feel basically useless. I know my body is working hard on other things; like creating a human and all. But, I just can’t seem to accept that. It’s a pride thing. When I can’t do the laundry anymore or sweep and mop, it’s a pride thing. It absolutely kills me knowing that my body will no longer allow me to do simple tasks. I have a hard time understanding this is temporary. I’m struggling with the “it will all be worth it” concept. As this being my first time being pregnant, I have no idea the joy that a child brings. People talk about it. But I don’t really know what I am looking forward to. Throughout my pregnancy I have had some sciatic nerve pain but it has been fairly manageable. A few days ago, my right side had enough and freaked out. I couldn’t walk; it was brutal. I have been going to the chiropractor for the last few years which have always helped me tremendously and have kept my body in check. I was able to get in the next day and apparently literally every other vertebrae was out of place. Well no wonder why I couldn’t walk! The adjustment went well and I went back the next day as well. My pelvis was still tilted but not near as bad as the first appointment. Sitting hurts, laying down hurts, walking hurts, literally everything I do hurts. On top of that, my feet are constantly swollen at this point. Literally only my snow boots fit. I joked and told Brock that I would be wearing flip flops to the hospital...well, I tried on my flip flops and those don’t even fit. My feet have gone up 2 sizes! I was able to find 2 pairs of shoes at a thrift store so that’s what I wear. One day, I looked down at my feet and my ankles were gone. My shoes from the thrift store no longer fit and I was on to a size 10. (My feet are usually size 7). I had mentioned it to my doctor a few weeks ago, but she didn’t look at them and just passed it off saying “it was normal.” But, just the other day I was in there, I showed her my feet and she was like “oh….yeah you might want to look into compression socks.” I was kind of frustrated because I feel like with her, she doesn’t really make any suggestions until the problem is out of control and needs immediate attention. So I went home and bought a six pack of compression socks. I wore them for 2 days straight and the swelling immediately went down. They are still at least one size bigger than normal but at least they aren’t overly swollen. Just as my back and swollen feet have been subsiding, now my right hand has severe carpal tunnel. It started with just tingling/numbness in all of the fingers which was manageable. Then, the pain increased significantly. Now, it’s more than just constant numbness, the pain crept up my wrist and arm. I got a massage and I got adjusted. I have tried a wrist splint and I have tried icing but I am feeling very defeated. Nothing has helped. The increased pain has been constant for 28 days now. It started on March 8th; so March 7th was the last time my hands were normal. Everything is distorted. Even the softest things like petting my dog feels like pins and needles. I can’t even feel when I pull a bowl out of the microwave if it’s hot or not. My left hand wasn’t near as bad as my right but now, waking up today my left is just as bad. I think something is pushing on my nerves and unfortunately that won’t go away until after birth. I so wish I could just have 5 minutes where I could feel again. With never getting any relief, I fear this is permanent. It probably isn’t….but...at this point I just don’t know. Usually nighttime is a time where we can escape from what the day has brought us. But for me nighttime isn’t an escape, because I can’t escape myself.

And for now,

Xoxo