Life After IVF: 8

So I am now almost 19 weeks pregnant. Wow. That went fast. I feel like I spent the first half of my pregnancy trying to sift through emotions and figure out what the heck was going on. Heck, I still feel like I am doing that. I had a check up with the doctor this past week. He asked me how things were going. I said, “Well, nothing has come out yet so I am assuming it’s still in there.” He laughed and said, “Yeah...it probably is.” He checked the heartbeat and everything was great. I have noticed that when I see people they make comments or look at my belly and my response is always, “Yup. Still here.” I never realized it before that I said that almost every time. I think it’s a coping mechanism. Like, yeah, it’s still in there somehow, I am surprised I haven’t lost it yet. Or, yeah, I actually am pregnant which I can’t even believe myself. Now that I am off work, nothing magical has changed. Those emotions and hesitations are still there, it’s just a matter of it being very real. I didn’t think being pregnant in the middle of a pandemic would be that big of a deal. If anything, I thought it would be easy. No major responsibilities, stay at home, sleep in, live in pajamas, watch TV, maybe do the dishes. Seems simple to me. And yes, that is exactly what I do most days. But as enjoyable as that sounds, there is a mental struggle that comes with it. I have to stay home. I don’t go out shopping; the grocery store is my adventure, well, that’s not even fun anymore. I don’t work; I am not providing an income for my family so I feel lazy. I don’t see friends; well, I didn’t really have friends to begin with but you get the idea. I guess it’s just an adjustment. We all have had to get used to slowing down a bit and staying home more. I do feel very blessed though that I can stay home. My nausea still lingers and I never know what day or what time it decides to come on. Being off work and not having to worry about throwing up in the communal toilet is relieving. If I am tired, I take a nap because that’s just the way it is. If I don’t get something done, then it sits until tomorrow and that’s just the way it is. However, if I feel good and have some energy I try to get a few things done and be productive because well, that’s just the way it is. Lately, the highlight of my day has been meal planning. I write down meals and then every evening, I have dinner ready for when Brock comes home from work. I am a terrible cook, let's just put that out there. However, I have gained more confidence and successful meals since I have been doing this. I have felt like this has been giving me purpose and I feel accomplished when I make a successful meal that he likes. (He isn't very picky so it's fairly easy.) Even though this pregnancy and the situations that come with it has been far more difficult than I imagined, I am just so happy and grateful that I am in this situation. We have waited so many years and have had so many tears and trials to get to the point. So if I have to take a nap, throw up, not get dishes done, or whatever, because I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And for now,

Xoxo