Two Hourglasses.

I drink cups of coffee yet I sit exhausted. It’s as if caffeine has no effect. The pain is stronger than that. The question is when. When will we be released from this nightmare that is occurring in our everyday life? I feel like I have 2 hourglasses sitting in front of me. One for Trooper. And one for Terry. I run back and forth between the two. One day, one seems to be going faster; sand rapidly dripping as if it might run out. And then, the next day, the other one goes faster. Which one will run out first? I frantically toggle between the two; back and forth. I don’t want either of them to run out. But I can see them both vanishing before my eyes. My brain has started to separate loved one and cancer. My loved one is gone; not the same person he once was. But I still try to harbor onto those memories I do have of when he was himself. Those I keep tucked away in my heart and make sure I don’t lose sight of them even though those images are fading away. But even when it passes, the effects will always linger. There will always be scars that remind us of the times we so longingly wish to forget. Instead, those happy images are being replaced with the jarring images of death. Cancer is who I am watching. It’s not really a person at all actually. Toxins are being released into the air and I sit there unable to breathe. It’s gut wrenching. It’s not about the person, they are not to blame. In fact, it's our great love for them which is why we choose to sit, soak, and bask in the pain. And even wishing that we could take away their pain, even if it is just for a moment. I told Terry I wished I could take away his pain but he told me it was his pain to bear. I feel like Trooper would have said the same. But, if love could have saved them, they would have lived forever.

And for now,

Xoxo