What's Next: Nine.

The wait to find out if it was successful was growing with anticipation. I decided to take a pregnancy test early because, well, why do I have to wait for someone to call me to tell me. I took one on Tuesday, negative. Took another one on Thursday, positive! I went in on Friday morning to have a blood draw and later that afternoon they called me to confirm I was pregnant! It was successful. I felt such a burst of relief. All my hard work, all the time we waited. It was worth it. A small handful of people have been kept close in the loop with updates so I had to tell them right away! They were expecting it so I couldn’t exactly not tell them. I went into the doctor every few days to make sure my numbers were good and they were. In fact, they were increasing very well. I began thinking about baby names more realistically. I envisioned Mason being a great big brother. I knew it was going to be a little more chaotic around the house, but I was finally ready for it. It still just didn’t seem real. I still felt guarded but I chalked it up to the intense journey that led up to it. I was really starting to see this all come together. For three weeks. Then, I had my first ultrasound and Brock came with. He wasn’t able to come to the first one with Mason so I knew this was very important for him. With Mason, I will never forget the moment I saw the tiny embryo with a flickering heartbeat on the screen. It was front and center. And the moment I saw it, I said in my mind “there he is.” I just knew. I knew it was a boy and I knew he would be my world. And he is. However, when we went to this appointment, it was nothing close to that beautiful moment. The gestational sac was there, but there was no embryo. The doctor didn’t say anything and just made a comment about waiting to let me relax. She then went to the ovaries and took measurements of the right one. She tried to make a measurement of the left one but said it was too fuzzy. She then went back to the uterus and finally said something. She said that she couldn’t see anything and that maybe it was tucked up in the corner. She said she couldn’t confirm it as a viable pregnancy and needed more time. She wanted me to come back in one week. At that point, I was 6 weeks 5 days. I was kind of confused by the whole thing. I really didn’t understand what was going on. On the drive home, is when it started to set in. I remembered those moments with Mason and I was trying to rack my brain to remember what his ultrasound looked like. I knew I had a picture of it and I was 6 weeks 5 days so when I got home, I went and pulled it out. As soon as I saw it, it all came together and my heart sank. Mason’s was so clear as day. There was most definitely a baby there. It was obvious, and what I saw on that screen today? Nothing. I saw nothing. I am such a factual person and realistic so the facts were pointing to something wrong. But, we were literally headed out the door to go on vacation for a week and I didn’t want it to ruin that. I figure, I could try to remain hopeful because it wasn’t over until they tell me it’s over. And they didn’t. So now, I just have to try to have a good time on vacation and not think about if there is actually a baby in there or not. That’s all. Here is a picture I took on vacation as I sat and waited for the unknowns of what lied ahead.

And for now,

Xoxo