What's Next: Seven.

My emotions have been different this time around because I have Mason. It’s not like oh everything is fine because you already have a kid. No. Make no mistake, that is absolutely not true. However, the desire is there but the desperation is not. That is the best way I can describe it. I do have the desire for another child, another beautiful member of our family. However, I am not having the emotion of complete desperation and despair. I was pretty peaceful my first time, but I think I am much more peaceful this time. However, having gone through it, and seeing the outcome, that also puts more emotions into it. I will still be absolutely devastated if this isn’t successful and a part of me does have that fear. Now that I have started my Estradiol injection twice a week I am feeling a bit more at ease with the process. But, it definitely makes me more emotional, I have noticed. I think it’s because it’s an injection twice a week so I am getting a burst of hormones in one dose as opposed to last time around I did patches that were a slow release. That’s my theory anyway. Or I’m just a crazy person. That too. I am struggling right now with continuing my life after having such great loss. I think about my father in law and how amazing he would have been with Mason. When I see pictures, I can’t believe Mason was so little when he passed away and how has he missed all of this? I feel guilty for continuing my life. Like, I shouldn’t have another child. But that doesn’t make sense. We have to continue living for those that we lost. I think about Trooper. I think about how far him and I have come. I got married, had 2 more dogs, a baby. Now, I have another dog and possibly another baby. I want to just hug him and say “ Look at us Troop. We did it.” I also am doing a Progesterone injection daily in the morning. So these 2 injections are what is building my lining. Let me break it down for you. Birth control for 29 days. Lupron injection (suppresses) in the belly for 26 days. Estradiol (in the butt muscle) twice a week until 11 weeks pregnant. Progesterone injection (in the butt muscle) daily in the morning and evening until 11 weeks pregnant. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. Have baby. Live happily ever after. Now, I am sure you are wondering, because I get this question all the time, yes, I do those injections myself. They cause a lot of bruising. I remember last time I had so many bruises I was running out of places to poke. It also hurt to sit. This time, the bruising isn’t as bad but I am getting a lot of itchy, red spots. Also, sometimes after the injection, it hurts for like 2 hours straight. A majority of the time, the injections hurt when they go in and sometimes the med going in hurts also. People try to tell me that it gets easier once I find out I’m pregnant. But from experience, I know that’s not true. They still hurt just as much. When you total all the injections up, here is the breakdown. 26 Lupron, roughly 96 times for Progesterone and 18 times for Estradiol. That’s a total of 141 pokes. Now, 115 of those are to the same spot on my body twice, sometimes three times a day. Ouch is right. I have found that alternating the right side and left side every other injection helps because it gives each side less trauma. Injecting on the left side is pretty tricky though. Imagine, reaching over your body with a ½” needle, pinch the fat with one hand, and ready aim fire with the other. Oh, and make sure it’s straight when it goes in. My left hand was shaking the first time I did it, but now I am getting pretty good at it. Should I add that to my resume? “Able to inject needles in unconventional ways.” What I should add to my resume is Perseverance.

And for now,

Xoxo