What's Next: Six

This post coincides with the previous one. They were happening at the same time. I started birth control and within a few weeks I started spotting. At first, I wasn’t concerned and they did say that was common (that was at my medication demo appointment). Last time I did IVF I did not use this brand of birth control and I did not have spotting, so I was immediately taken back but trusted them. Within a couple days, it got significantly worse; full on bleeding everyday. I have cramps, pain, diarrhea, everything a first day of your period is like. I contacted my doctors again and they kept telling me it was common. There are a lot of things that a period brings for me personally. Not only is it an intense amount of pain, but it’s a constant season of grief. It brings on emotions and sadness. This is beyond brutal, cruel and unusual punishment. “Hey, let’s give the girl with Endometriosis her period for 3 weeks straight.” Especially when this is supposed to be a time of happiness. Everyday, I am stuck in the same pain over and over. I am no longer myself but I am a slave to this pain. I have tried so hard my adult years to be strong, not for anyone else, but honestly just to make it through the day. But this? This takes the cake. It has now been 3 consistent weeks. There have been moments in these 3 weeks where I have felt complete and utter brokenness. Instead of using up my feminine hygiene stash, I just keep buying more because I keep going through it all. I don't know when it will end. My only hope was that it would end once I was off the birth control and started my other injections. I needed to start rebuilding. Literally. My lining needs to be built up to create the perfect environment for this embryo. I am feeling defeated. There is a Christian song that keeps coming up and the words are “I’m fighting a battle, you’ve already won.” With my infertility, I have been in a battle for many many years. Even after having Mason, I am still in a battle. There has been a lot of unknowns and anxiety. When I heard these words recently, it really hit me. I am definitely fighting a battle, but God already knows the outcome, he has already won this for me. He knows I will get through it. The immense strength that gets me through this is all because of him. I don’t typically share about my faith on here but I think it’s crucial for people to understand how I have gotten through. There have been some very tough moments and seasons for me in my life and it really is only because of him that I am able to overcome. If you are going through something and you just don’t know if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s ok to not be ok. But most importantly, remember that God is with you, and even though you are fighting a battle, he has already won.

And for now,

Xoxo